BRUCE WEBER FAILS TO CALL TIMEOUT ON POST-GAME POPCORN; BURNS BATCH FOR SELF/KIDS
CHAMPAIGN- Losing Illinois head coach Bruce Weber tried to console himself after his team’s disastrous late-game ball handling against Ohio State.
Twice the Illini let the clock run down before being able to put up a good shot; once before the end of regulation, and one before the end of the first overtime.
After the game, a depressed Weber tried to console himself with microwave popcorn. Unfortunately, Weber stared in the distance while it was obvious the final kernel had popped. The batch had gone to waste. Even Megan Weber, Bruce’s wife, knew it might be the end.
“Well, third time’s a charm, buck. Why don’t you take the rest of the night off.”
Weber was sleeping at time of publication.
CHICAGO CUBS BEAT WRITERS FINALLY NOTIFIED THAT MILTON BRADLEY DOESN’T PLAY FOR THE CHICAGO CUBS
MESA- In a startling announcement to scribes of the Chicago Cubs’ daily developments, the Cubs announced that Milton Bradley is no longer with the Chicago National League Ballclub.
“I’m not just shocked, I’m kind of disheveled,” stated Milton Bradley’s #1 assassin and Chicago Tribune writer Paul Sullivan. “What am I supposed to do? Write about the Cubs?”
Sun-Times wordsmith Gordon Wittenmeyer echoed Sullivan’s sentiments.
“Yeah, people want to hear about Caridad moving into the setup role. Yeah, right. Whatever. Ooh! I know! I’ll right about how there isn’t a real place for Micah Hoffpauir on this team! Whatever. I’m screwed.”
Milton Bradley’s time with the Cubs was one year. He is survived by Barry Rozner, Phil Rogers, Gordon Wittenmeyer, and Paul Sullivan.