HEADLINES MARCH 13TH, 2010

BRUCE WEBER FAILS TO CALL TIMEOUT ON POST-GAME POPCORN; BURNS BATCH FOR SELF/KIDS

CHAMPAIGN- Losing Illinois head coach Bruce Weber tried to console himself after his team’s disastrous late-game ball handling against Ohio State. 

Weber is consoled after letting time run out on his popcorn.

Twice the Illini let the clock run down before being able to put up a good shot; once before the end of regulation, and one before the end of the first overtime.

After the game, a depressed Weber tried to console himself with microwave popcorn.  Unfortunately, Weber stared in the distance while it was obvious the final kernel had popped.  The batch had gone to waste.  Even Megan Weber, Bruce’s wife, knew it might be the end.

“Well, third time’s a charm, buck.  Why don’t you take the rest of the night off.”

Weber was sleeping at time of publication.

CHICAGO CUBS BEAT WRITERS FINALLY NOTIFIED THAT MILTON BRADLEY DOESN’T PLAY FOR THE CHICAGO CUBS

MESA- In a startling announcement to scribes of the Chicago Cubs’ daily developments, the Cubs announced that Milton Bradley is no longer with the Chicago National League Ballclub.

“I’m not just shocked, I’m kind of disheveled,” stated Milton Bradley’s #1 assassin and Chicago Tribune writer Paul Sullivan.  “What am I supposed to do?  Write about the Cubs?”

Sun-Times wordsmith Gordon Wittenmeyer echoed Sullivan’s sentiments. 

“Yeah, people want to hear about Caridad moving into the setup role.  Yeah, right.  Whatever.  Ooh!  I know!  I’ll right about how there isn’t a real place for Micah Hoffpauir on this team!  Whatever.  I’m screwed.”

Milton Bradley’s time with the Cubs was one year.  He is survived by Barry Rozner, Phil Rogers, Gordon Wittenmeyer, and Paul Sullivan.

HEADLINES MARCH 12TH, 2010

RICK PITINO PLANS ON TAKING TOURNAMENT OPPONENTS BEHIND RESTAURANT DOORS, SLAMMING THEM ON A TABLE, PAYING FOR ABORTION

LOUISVILLE- In a spirited pep talk, University of Louisville head coach Rick Pitino expounded on how his Cardinals would dispose of opponents in the NCAA Tournament.

“Guys, we’re not going to be intimidated anymore.  The first opponent we get in the tournament, we’re gonna send them a message…we’re going to lull them into a room, help them with their personal needs, promise to help out in any feasible way, then we’re going to take them behind the restaurant and slam them on top of a table.”

Pitino gets emotional describing how his sexual escapades can be recreated during the NCAA Tournament

Some Cardinals players tried to stop Pitino, but the elder coach continued.

Pitino gets emotional describing how his sexual escapades can be recreated during the NCAA Tounament

“…And that won’t be enough.  If they peep even one bit, we’re gonna pay for an abortion.  Because that’s what Louisville teams do!  You think Darrell Griffith and Pervis Ellison won national titles because they cowered in fear?  No!  They were willing to pay for abortions for women that they accidentally slept with.”

Louisville’s opponent in the NCAA Tournament has not yet been announced.

TORII HUNTER CLAIMS DUTCH BORN PITCHERS AREN’T REALLY WHITE

ARIZONA- Anaheim Angels outfielder Torii Hunter tried to defend his comments about black Hispanics not being real blacks.

Today, he changed the conversation to white players to prove his point…a point that felt hopelessly wrong.

Circle it right here: Blyleven isn't white!

“What I meant to say was, is that they aren’t black in the same manner…as…let’s say…I don’t know…Bert Blyleven.  It’s obvious that Bert Blyleven can’t be counted as white.  He was born in the Netherlands.  He’s got one of those Dutch beards.  I heard the man once wore wooden shoes.  That ain’t white.  That ain’t white at all.”

Even as teammates tried to pry him away from cameras, Hunter continued.

“Blyleven faces discrimination every day for his heritage.  People tryin’ to tell him to show up clean shavin’ places.  I feel for the man…I really do.”

DEPAUL PROFESSOR TRIES TO CONVINCE STUDENTS THAT GLOBAL WARMING IS REAL/DEPAUL WAS A TOP 5 PROGRAM

CHICAGO- DePaul University professor Samuel Edinburgh spoke to a gathering of students to promote his book, “Global Warming: The Truth”.  The speaking engagement was meant to debunk recent comments regarding the falsehoods of climate change. 

“If you are interested in really applying yourself to the study and research of climate change, be ready to deal with the challenges of debunking your theories.  It is not debateable that the earth has gotten warmer by 1.8 degrees farenheit over the past 80 years.  Slow changes aren’t just evident in global climate change, but also in the slow changes of DePaul’s athletic program.  As a student at DePaul, we were a top 5 team every year.  Starting with Corzine’s senior year and ending with that terrible loss to Boston College in 1982.  Now, we’re garbage.  A laughing-stock.  I might kidnap Steve Lavin myself.  Dear Jesus, what were we talking about.  Oh, yes.  Mark Agguire’s baseline jumper, I mean, no…yes, the urban heat island effect.  Sorry.”

HEADLINES MARCH 11TH, 2010

MERLIN OLSEN PASSES AWAY AT 69; FLOWERS ARRIVE NEXT DAY

LOS ANGELES- Former Los Angeles Rams defensive lineman and NBC colour commentator Merlin Olsen passed away early Thursday.

Your flowers arrived, Merlin...your flowers arrived.

Olsen was best known for his work on LA’s famed ‘Fearsome Foursome’. 

In his latter years, Olsen was a shill for FTD.  In an ironic twist, Olsen’s flowers arrived at his own funeral via next day delivery.  FTD’s national selling point of next day delivery was primarily sold by Olsen to millions of Americans in the floral company’s commercials.

Olsen was 69.

JESUS UNABLE TO TAKE WONDERLIC TEST FOR TEBOW

Reports from NFL scouts show that former Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow scored low on

Tebow only had time to save the lambs, not study for the wonderlic.

 the wonderlic exam.  The devout Christian was stunned upon hearing the news.  Tebow had spent the majority of the morning summoning Jesus for help.  Tebow even e-mailed his savior to make sure his request would be heard.

“Dear Jesus, it’s me again.  I healed lepers in southeast Asia.  I once baptized an alligator.  Certainly my lord and savior Jesus Christ wouldn’t let me down.”

Jesus Christ, now 2,010 years old was startled by the request.  The Lord and savior sent an e-mail to Tim denying his request.

“I’m kind of busy doing a couple things these days.  I’m administering to the poor in Haiti.  I’m currently giving hope to the poor in Chile.  Outside of that, sure, I have the time.  Let me just come down from the heavens so I can help out you and your egotistic self-aggrandizing jagoff of a father who proselytized about things that I never said.  Do you realize that the chapters of the bible were written at least three generations after the apostles died?  Do you get this?  Seriously, do you get this?  Have fun on the wonderlic test.  Love, Jesus.  (p.s. I was married and had children.) 

BROWNS FIGURE IT CAN’T GET MUCH WORSE, INTERVIEW DELHOMME

CLEVELAND- Former Carolina Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme spent Thursday interviewing with Cleveland Browns brass about the open signal-calling position.

Tom Heckert, Jr. (the teams new GM) spent most of Wednesday putting together the Browns’ 2009 highlight film.

“It’s literally five minutes long.  It’s all Joshua Cribbs.  And fat Cleveland women taking their tops off.  That’s all we have.  Five minutes.  Boobs and Cribbs.  So…why not?  Can’t get much worse.”

OTHER NEWS: JIMMY COLLINS STILL EXTREMELY HIGH, SOX FANS TO DECIDE BETWEEN OPENING DAY; MONDAY NIGHT RAW, ANDRUW JONES 25 LBS LIGHTER/STILL A JERK

A&E SHOW ‘HOARDERS’ TO VISIT U.S. CELLULAR FIELD APRIL 5TH

CHICAGO- The A&E show ‘Hoarders’, a program highlighting people’s need to acquire possessions, will be visiting U.S. Cellular Field on Opening Day 2010.

The subject at hand will be the hoarding of trash by Chicago White Sox upper management.  On April 5th, more than 40,000 pieces of trash will occupy the White Sox abode. 

Professional organizer Peggy Randall will be dispatched to the stadium to make sure all trash is organized or disposed of correctly. 

“We aren’t disposing everybody.  Obviously, some things aren’t trash and have to stay.  Any White Sox fan over the age of 50 stays.  If you are able to name more than five players from the ’86 or ’87 squads, you can stay.”

Randall devised a level system for disposing of the trash:

  1. Any person seen with a mullet

    A typical White Sox fan home outside Joliet

  2. Any person seen wearing a NASCAR shirt (or has yelled, ‘Gordon sucks!’ at any point in his life)
  3. Any person with a neon beer sign in their bedroom
  4. Any person seen beating their wife
  5. Any person with dogs chained in their front yard
  6. Any person with more than one gun
  7. Any person related to a grandma under 40
  8. Any person that still smokes Basics
  9. Any person that uses Skoal as caulk
  10. Any person that fought somebody over a Monday Night Raw result
  11. Any person that has watched over four hours of fishing shows in one day
  12. Any person that has worn camouflage when not hunting
  13. Any person who used the sentence “These tires aren’t big enough.”
  14. Any person that didn’t graduate high school
  15. Any person that thinks of ‘vacation’ when they hear ‘Joliet’
  16. Any person that speaks fondly of Gary

    White Sox fans going shirtless, per usual. The above are to be disposed of April 5th.

  17. Any person with under 20 teeth
  18. Any person that thinks Gene Honda is the greatest PA man ever
  19. Any person that has gone shirtless before April 1st
  20. Any person that thinks Harold Baines deserves a statue
  21. Any person complimenting Ed Farmer’s announcing
  22. Any person who thinks the Sox’s downward spiral after 2005 was by virtue of the Aaron Rowand trade
  23. Any person who thinks the fireworks are cool
  24. Any person with more than one tattoo.
  25. Any person who booed Frank Thomas
  26. Any person that became a Sox fan because of the new hats in 1990 (#1 in my book)
  27. Any person who doesn’t know the Sox almost moved to Florida in 1989.
  28. Any person who cheers at Hawks games during anything related to the White Sox and boos anything related to the Cubs
  29. Any person that has a sticker of Calvin pissing on a Cubs logo
  30. Any person that cashes an unemployment check at a liquor store

“This should eliminate 92% of White Sox fans.  It eliminates any Sox fan under 50, and only keeps the smart ones.”

Hoarders will air on April 5th at 1pm on Comcast SportsNet.  The announcers will be Hawk Harrelson and Steve Stone.  The plan is for the attendance to be under 1,000 by game time.

To help, Fred Manrique will be walking around asking people, ‘Do you know who I am?’.  To anybody responding ‘no’, they will be disposed of.

All trash removed from the stadium will be kept in a U-Haul storage facility in Northwest Indiana. 

“We want the trash to feel at home.  So, they’ll be in East Chicago.  It’s warm.  But the snow is gray…so…they have that,” stated Randall.

Relatives of the disposed Sox fans can pick up their family on April 6th anytime after 7:00 a.m.  Parking space will be limited, so U-Haul is asking that every Sox fan to not drive their pick-up truck.

Any future developments on the organization will be posted as time permits.

BERNIE BREWER TO SLIDE INTO POLITICALLY CORRECT GLASS OF POMERGRANATE CRANBERRY JUICE

MILWAUKEE- Members of the Milwaukee Commission on Health and Major League Baseball have confirmed that Milwaukee Brewers mascot Bernie Brewer will be sliding into a healthier drink this season.

The ale-driven mascot will be sliding into a large glass of pomegranate cranberry juice. 

“We feel that the anti-oxidants will be good for Bernie and the people of Milwaukee.  You can’t live off of cheese and beer and expect to be healthy,” stated health expert Gwen Maline.

Major League Baseball and Bud Selig agree.

“The fans of Milwaukee wanted Bernie Brewer sliding into his beer mug again.  We wanted Bernie Brewer sliding to a dry surface; waving a flag.  We feel we came to a middle ground.  He’s going to go down the slide; into a glass.  We just want to promote healthy choices.  Choices like Welch’s new Pomegranate Cranberry Juice.  Refreshing, pure, and made with 100% juice, Welch’s Pomegranate Cranberry Juice refreshes the thirstiest kids on the hottest of days.  Filled with anti-oxidants, real fruit juice, and no preservatives, Welch’s Pomegranate Cranberry Juice is good for the whole family.  Sorry.  I got off track.  Did I mention Welch’s?  Good.  They’re paying for the glass.  The glass will have a gigantic Welch’s logo on it.  Phew.  Thanks.  Welch’s.”

Bernie Brewer has been the mascot of the Milwaukee Brewers since 1973.  Since that time, the mustachioed man has slid into a beer mug after every home run…that was until 2000, the final year the Brewers played in County Stadium.

The move to Miller Park eliminated Bernie Brewer’s sliding into a gigantic beer barrel.  The move was made to prevent the advertisement of drinking towards children.  The move angered many beer guzzling Milwaukeeans.

Bernie gets ready to slide into a cold glass of pomegranate/cranberry

“This reminds me of when the Packers thought Bart Starr could coach,” chimed Larry Pogorzelski of South Milwaukee.  “Just because somebody’s a great quarterback doesn’t mean he can coach.  It also doesn’t mean Randy Wright is your future.  Or Lynn Dickey.  Or Jim Zorn.  F&*$ those Packer teams.”

After being swerved back on track, Pogorzelski resumed, “Oh, yeah, Bernie.  Well, Bernie was all we had for a while.  We would pay $10 just to see him slide into that barrel.  Then there would be a fight somewhere down the third base line.  Then Eric Plunk would groove a fastball to the wrong guy, and we’d all go home depressed.  Those were the days.  But how the hell does a man sliding into a barrel promote underage drinking?  You know what promotes underage drinking?  Having a party in your basement on Illinois and College.  Having people under 21 stopping by sometime after 9:00 pm next Saturday, offering $3 cups and $1 jello shots.  Or advertising that girls could come in free.  Or saying that you have six kegs of Heineken…yeah, that would be a problem.  But a bearded man sliding into a barrel?  Please.”

The man forgotten in the mess is the brawny cheerleader Mr. Bernie Brewer.  Yet, his thoughts remain positive.

“I’m in this costume for 81 games.  It gets hot in this damn thing.  Now I’ve got the chance to dive into a cold glass of Welch’s Pomegranate Cranberry Juice.  So refreshing.  Much better than sliding into nothing.  Plus, it’s healthy,” Bernie paused. 

“Who the hell am I foolin’, I want my &%$kin’ beer!  This isn’t San Francisco, it’s Milwaukee.  Land of the free, home of the goddamned beer!  Where the hell is my beer?!”

Major League Baseball refused to comment further. 

2010’s edition of the Milwaukee Brewers appears to be healthier for the decision, but it won’t stop the people from protesting.

GREEN BAY PACKERS HOLD ANNUAL COMBINE FOR OBESE FEMALE COLLEGE GRADUATES

GREEN BAY- The majority of the National Football League is finishing their annual evaluation of the top collegiate football talent in the nation.  While the top scouts in each organization attend the combine, the Green Bay Packers send their own group of scouts across Wisconsin.

The statewide search for plump farm-fed female Packers fans has begun!

This week, the portliest of Wisconsin’s recent college graduates are converging on Green Bay.  Herm Schmidt’s Frankfurters and Sausage Sanctuary is hosting an event sure to push each corpulent dame to the limit…and nobody could be happier than Schmidt and Packers representatives.

“Let’s be honest, we’re not the skinniest state.  My wife hits the scales at a solid three spins.  You remember Randy Wright?  Former Badger quarterback, Packers QB?  That guy could’ve gotten any girl in the state…unfortunately, the skinniest girl in the state back in ’87 still weighed in at a solid 275.  Had to wipe off the cheese curd stain on her wedding dress for the photo.  That’s just how it is around here.  If we’re gonna have fans this big, they might as well be educated and prolific eaters.”

Each exam at Schmidt’s is the most intense of football intelligence and tailgaiting prowess.  These ‘Wisconsinettes’ are questioned on everything from taxidermy to fishing to hunting to skinning to blind cheese taste tests.

Joanie Kleinhauser and Meghan Metz from Rhinelander pose inside Schmidt's

The most intense of the drills, however, is the blind beer taste test.

“We have this girl from Wausau that can discern between three types of sharp cheddar.  She can differentiate each type of Leininkugel…not by tasting, but by touching the bottle.  She identified both types of Schlitz recipes. She knows the history of each brewery in Milwaukee.  She’s unbelievable.”

The woman’s name is Katherine Hauser.  A 6 ‘1″ 315 pound hockey goalie for Lake Superior State; Hauser has impressed Packers management with brains and eating ability.

“The report we had on her was amazing.  Word is two years ago she clotheslined a seven-year old at a Don Majkowski autograph signing.  She once lifted a van that had a Vikings bumper sticker, and tossed it into a nearby lake.  When the woman returned to ask where her van went, Hauser strangled her with a sausage chord.  This woman is hard core.”

The real test comes Saturday, the final day of the combine, when these stout ladies enter the Wisconsin Motor Challenge.

“Each lady is given twelve hours,” stated Schmidt.  “They have to fish the bay, grab a walleye, drive a pickup to the North Woods, shoot a deer, chop the venison, polish off a 12 pack of Old Milwaukee, then answer 10 questions about Packers history.  Anything under 90%, and they’re cut.”

Schmidt was indignant that these questions weren’t ordinary lay-up questions.

“One question asks about Max McGee’s favorite watering hole.  Another asks how many yards Brent Fullwood ran for in his career.  We expect the best.”

Packers reps told Chicago Tough people could count on one thing from this 2010 class.

“We’ve gotten them fatter, smarter, tougher, and hungrier than ever.  And for us, that’s always a good sing.”

It’s also a good sign that the more things change up north, the fat female Packers fans stay the same.

CANADIANS BATHE IN HOCKEY GOLD; UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE

VANCOUVER- Political and hockey powers collided Sunday when the United States hockey team battled Canada for the gold medal.

Sidney Crosby’s overtime winner gave a fitting end to a furious championship match.  Canadian players flung their gloves and helmets to the ice in celebration.  Fans unfurled thousands of

Canadian citizens celebrate hockey gold!

 Canadian flags in the arena. 

Far from the delirium was Wesley MacTavish; an unemployed construction worker in northern Toronto.  After finishing a check-up with his doctor (Dr. Simon McCloud), Mac Tavish celebrated heartily in the post-examination waiting room. 

While hugs and kisses persisted from the shores of Vancouver to the hills of Halifax, so did universal health care coverage.

“This win is so great; I’m so glad to be a Canadian!  We win the gold, and I don’t have a co-payment!  Imagine that?!  Hockey gold and no co-pay!  What a day.  What a country!”

Sharing in the excitement was Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper.

Before thousands of revelers in Ottawa, the prime minister gave a speech outside the government’s main chamber.

“Our hockey gold gives our nation celebration aplenty!  Plus, my wife’s medication costs can not go through the roof because this great nation negotiates costs with private companies!  I love Sidney Crosby!”

Even the elderly of Canada got in on the celebration.  Jean Bergeron-Baptiste of Montreal joined the parade of fans in the traditionally French-Canadian city.

“I have not seen such an exciting game since Game 7 of the 1971 Stanley Cup Finals.  Henri Richard scored two goals late to win the championship.  My long life has been assisted by government-subsidized health care.  Our life expectancy has been extended due to our wonderful government’s out-stretched arms.  Did you see that play along the boards by Jarome Iginla?!  Magnifique!”

Away from the splendors of hockey gold, Jim O’Ryan, another construction worker sat in silence.  O’Ryan has been avoiding opening the bill on his kitchen table for over three days.  His problems with being under-insured have created hefty bills.  Sunday, he sat in front of his television in South Boston watching the gold medal game.

Jim O'Ryan manages a smile; fearing his livelihood is at stake.

“I wonder what’s in there.  Whatever it is, I can’t afford it.  My coverage only goes so far.  This bleepin’ premium is over $100 per paycheck.  All that for this cruddy insurance that doesn’t pay a damn thing-”

During the answer, O’Ryan paused to celebrate the game-tying goal of Zach Parise.

“Holy *&$t!  What a game!”

O’Ryan paced throughout his living room for the next 15 minutes before Crosby’s game winner in overtime.  As O’Ryan sat in stunned silence, the lifelong Boston Bruins fan gave a heavy sigh.  A flicker of perspective came from his voice.

“Well, what the hell.  Let them have the gold.  We’ve got the money here, ya know?  This is America. Land of the free.  Let them have the gold.”

As O’Ryan went back to his kitchen table, his eyes crossed the hospital bill.  Again.

“F&@*)”