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Thoughts for the Day: March 23rd, 2010…Tiger Woods, Milton Bradley, Kirstie Alley/DePaul, Ozzie Guillen, oh my!
(The following post can be found at our new site: www.chicagonow.com/blogs/chicago-tough) (Please go there)
BECAUSE YOUR MARRIAGE JUST DOESN’T MATTER
Viewing guide for Saturday, March 20th, 2010
7am Miffy and Friends, WYCC. “Little Bunny; Miffy’s Surprise.”
Because this might be the last time you acknowledge your youngest daughter over the next 39 hours.
730 am High School Lights, Comcast Sports Net.
Nothing better than starting your day to Sarah Kustok blankly staring awkwardly into a camera seven times over a thirty minute span.
800 am College Game Day Scoreboard, ESPN 2.
Because you passed out during the Maryland/Houston game while your wife kept on hounding you about these ridiculous recipes in her ‘Real Simple’ magazine.
This should help you catch up…and you can play that early morning drinking game where you drink every time Digger Phelps points his highlighter at somebody else in the studio.
900 am Holmes on Homes, HGTV.
Nails, lumber, power tools, inspections. One hour of meatball before the morning rush. Plus, watching somebody do something productive may give you some satisfaction…considering you’ve spent the whole morning with your head buried in Fruity Pebbles, and you’ve accidentally nuked a granola bar, AND you stole your kids’ legos to build a fortress for your Boba Fett action figure.
1000 am Extreme Machines, SCI
Construction equipments, machinery, and safety tips for operating the machinery. You might need this when you actually get a job.
1100 am I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, DISC
Nothing unites a husband and wife quite like an hour of berating delusional women.
1200 pm – 9 pm NCAA Tournament, CBS
Lunch shall consist of Ritz, sausage, cheese, and the occasional Old Style. Anybody who brings in other foods must make sure that the foods contain a) meat b) cheese. Carrots are for sissies.
800 pm – 9 pm “Toggle Viewing” Blackhawks at Coyotes, Comcast Sports Net.
Make sure you bring this game up to your wife and children the night before. You might get the ‘are you f’n serious, another f’n sporting event?!’ remark. We wouldn’t want that.
Unfortunately, your wife will say it no matter what.
9 pm – 10 pm
Just Blackhawks, no toggle.
10 pm – 11 pm
Pacquiao/Clottey re-run, HBO. Blackhawks, Comcast Sports Net.
Because if your wife hasn’t killed you by now, she never will.
Time to make amends with the wife…she deserves it.
SUNDAY MARCH 21ST, 2010
If you woke up on Sunday, and you didn’t find yourself with your wife straddling you like Lorraine Brasco in Goodfellas, then you’ve made it. Congratulations, it’s Sunday. And you’re still not divorced. Yet.
830 am The Sports Reporters, ESPN.
It’s like Meet the Press…only it’s for sports fans. And you won’t get the annoying health care bill talk. Win Win.
900 am Goodfellas, AMC.
Obviously you won’t want to watch this if you found yourself in the situation above. So, maybe Pesci’s ‘You think I’m funny?’ sequence isn’t as riveting without the coarse language…However, no dubs are needed when Ray Liotta nearly pistol whips a man to death in the man’s own driveway. Nothing like eggs, toast, and mob hits at 9 in the morning!
12 pm – 2 pm “Toggle Viewing” Rangers/Bruins, NBC. NCAA Tournament, CBS.
The tournament is your best friend. However, Rangers/Bruins always satisfies your inner meatball. Without question, the fists will be flyin. Avery of the Rangers, Chara of the Bruins. Make sure you’re going back and forth…or make sure you got that DVR workin’ right. You don’t wanna miss any hits. Nor do you want to miss Mike Milbury’s horrendous combover.
2 pm – 3 pm “Toggle Viewing” Half-Ton Mom, Discovery. NCAA Tournament, CBS.
So, your wife is one of those that likes the shows about overweight people. Well, this show is one of the better specials. How do they get her into that small ambulance? You have to watch the show. Plus, your wife stole the remote.
3 pm – 4 pm JONAS, Disney. No toggle.
Face it. You haven’t spoken to your 9 year-old daughter Wendy since you told her to mow the lawn yesterday. Yep. You are one horrible father. The least you can do is sit down with her to watch an hour of her favorite boys. Plus, you notice the 3:30 episode features the Jonas brothers dealing with their parent’s leaving for the weekend.
It’s Disney. No alcohol or drugs will take place over the weekend. Good role models for the little girl. Plus, she’ll love you for the rest of the evening.
4 pm – 4:05 pm Moesha, The U.
You ‘accidentally’ turned on Moesha. (You’ve seen this one, Moesha gets dumped and finds the boy of her dreams ‘Derrick’. You hate that guy. Don’t tell anybody you’ve seen almost every episode of Moesha.)
405 pm – 6 pm Detroit Red Wings at Vancouver Canucks, NHL Network. NCAA Tournament, CBS.
I know, it’s a rerun from the night before. But you haven’t yelled ‘Detroit Sucks’ at your TV in two weeks. Better get that out of the way before you go back to the tourney.
5 pm NCAA Tournament, CBS.
Last hour for the weekend. Stay strong. You’re Chicago Tough, you can make it.
6 pm World Extreme Cage Fighting, VS.
World Extreme Cage Fighting. Or as you call it in your house, ‘Sunday Dinner’.
7 pm The Simpsons
A family activity.
730 pm Big Ten’s Best Quarterbacks of the 1980’s, Big Ten Network.
Bore your wife to death about that story when you won $300 on Iowa/Ohio State in 1986 after Chuck Long’s pass to Marv Cook. It’ll be a good way to get her upstairs, and far, far away from the TV.
800 pm Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, FX.
That John C. Reilly sure is funny. A solid nightcap to a great weekend.
1000 pm…Now you can shower. Go to bed. You’ll need an entire weekend of reconciliation with your wife and family. You earned it.
(This article can be found on our new site: http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/chicago-tough/)
LOS ANGELES- Former Chicago Cubs manager Lee Elia is suffering from a case of Cubilitis Dementiatis. Most folks suffering from Cubilitis Dementiaitis have warning symptoms. However, for most former Cubs managers, it’s viewed as a right of passage.
Elia is the 13th Cubs manager to suffer from the disease. And in his sad pain, he’s still slamming Cubs fans…and he’s still doing it with fuzzy math.
27 years after Elia’s famous tirade, the former Cubs skipper told a Los Angeles Times reporter that he still thinks the city’s unemployment rate is so high because of day baseball.
“The other 85% is out workin’. And the other 15%? Well, they go to day baseball.”
When Elia was informed by the reporter that the Cubs don’t play 81 games of day baseball anymore, the field manager was indignant.
“No, they’re out there because they’re the real Chicago fans. They sit in the sun, drinkin booze, complainin’ about Mel Hall’s slow development. Usually we have some jerk throwin’ stuff at Rainbow (Trout), it’s just a playground for the-“
Cutoff by the reporter; Elia was told his facts weren’t just wrong…they were from a different era.
“Dont’ cut me off, young man! I’m telling you there’s more to this story than the record says! This is a really, reallly good story. Now my records might say one thing, and your’s might say another. But that doesn’t change the makeup of my story. 15% of Chicago could be helping out the economy. People wanna blame Reagan? It’s not his fault. People wanna blame that sweet faced Jane Byrne? Whatever! That city there has folks lightin up poor guys like Jay Johnstone. So, the SOB can’t hit a curveball? So what! He loves his wife. He’s got great kids. If you wanna get on somebody, get on the manager. Me. If you’re gonna rip somebody, rip me. Don’t be one of those nickle dime fans that come to the ballpark every day. You wanna boo? And you’re the real Chicago fans? My f-“
When interrupted again, the reporter informed Elia that players like Johnstone, Trout, and Hall were long gone. Bleacher tickets cost $60 for night games…and Ronald Reagan was no longer president.
“Listen, I know what the situation is in Chicago. Those fans don’t work because of severe depression. They got phillie-itis…some are stuck with that stigma of the Cardinals and Dodgers. It’s ugly. But they’ll turn it around. The city just needs to get those people to work. Maybe that new black guy (Harold Washington) can get some programs up. Can you tell Dallas (Green) that I need some popcorn? I’m light-headed.”
Elia isn’t the first Cubs manager to go mad in his ladder days. The first Cubs manager to go mad was Frank Chance. Chance’s final days saw him stand outside the bleacher entrance mumbling about fire hoses and John McGraw.
Charlie Grimm spent his final years his yelling at his wife about how the refrigerator magnets were just inaccuracies on the manual scoreboard.
Most notably were the final years of Leo Durocher’s life. Durocher spent his final years randomly berating his dog ‘Margie’ about dropping two fly balls in Shea Stadium during the 1969 pennant race.
Elia has been left in the same delusional state that most Cubs managers find themselves…His final words were that of exhaustion, and left many wondering how much time he might have left.
“I don’t know how much longer I can take this. We’ve got 143 games left. The changes in my life have been multifold…I just hope that the changes can occur in Chicago…too much day baseball…too much losing…stigma…you can take that downtown and print it…rip me…143 games left…fire me Dallas…I’m losin’ it…it’s a tough National League East…it’s a rough life…it’s a tough life, period.”
LARRY FROM STICKNEY CALLS THE SCORE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT JOE FROM GLEN ELLYN REGARDING TOMMY FROM PILSEN’S COMMENTS ON BRIAN CAMPBELL
CHICAGO – Laurence Holmes’ evening show on 670 The Score was brought to a halt when Joe from Glen Ellyn made some bold comments regarding the injury of Brian Campbell.
“The man was skatin’ into the boards. His back was to the boards. This guy comes from behind him and pushes him into the boards. This isn’t Rollerball. I never saw that movie, but I’d presume the sport would allow such things such as pushing somebody from behind into a board. I just know it featured Chris Klein. There was a ball involved. And some rollers. Anywho, this Ruskie that came up from behind needs to be taught a lesson. I say you bring up some goon and settle this like the old days. Next time we play Washington…if it’s next year, or in the playoffs, or if it’s in some pre-season game, we’re goin’ after #8!”
After Tommy’s passionate plea for justice, Joe from Glen Ellyn piped in about the pending justice.
“People need to calm down. He got suspended two games. Campbell was off-balance. Ovechkin just gave him a shove. A tiny shove. But he’s so strong that Campbell flew into the boards and happened to injure himself. It’s like my wife. The other day I gently pushed her down the stairs. Just a gentle push. Yeah, her back was to me. No, there weren’t any boards. Just a flight of stairs. Followed by concrete. Extremely hard, punishing concrete. Concrete that lets a woman know that she shouldn’t drink the last Pepsi. I worked hard for that Pepsi.”
(This article appears on our new site at http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/chicago-tough/ We will have the ping to that site up shortly. Hope all is well, folks!)
INDIANAPOLIS- In an air assault and ground attack not seen since the D-day invasion of 1944, military forces converged on NCAA offices late Sunday.
Though many in college basketball know that each team did not qualify for an at-large or automatic berth; the military wanted to send the message that they should not be taken lightly in future years.
“We have a tradition to uphold,” stated General George W Casey, Jr. “Maybe our records weren’t the best this year, but you have to understand what our forces are going through. We protect the nation in order for silly events like the NCAA Tournament to occur. If we’re defending the tournament, then why should we not receive an automatic berth?”
When asked if the military had asked the directors of the tournament this question, Casey was indignant.
“We shoot first and ask questions later. This is the NCAA Tournament we’re talking about here. Not some petty grade school basketball tournament.”
Comments made by Casey regarding ‘petty grade school basketball tournaments’ was found to be most odd considering the armed forces also destroyed Edward G Winthrop middle school in Birmingham, Alabama. That assault resulted from a coach’s decision to not play Casey’s son in the annual Birmingham Area Public Schools Petty Grade School Basketball Tournament.
“My son’s got a soft touch around the basket, almost Walton like. And the coach wouldn’t play him! And I don’t mean 1986 Walton, I’m talking 1977 Walton. Outlet pass Walton. How old are you? 29? You don’t even remember. I should shoot you for not knowing how good Walton was in 1977. Somebody get me a gun.”
The Navy couldn’t find any rivers to fit a carrier through safely. So, naval commander Adm. Patrick Walsh settled for stationing in Lake Erie.
“We’re bombing Toledo. We have no reason. We can’t reach Indiana. We’re settling for Toledo. This is where they make the majority of Jeeps. And, we hate the army, soooo…listen, we did the best we could. I have an ex-wife that lives here. So…yeah…we’re proving our point. We belong in the tournament…and we’re bombing Toledo.”
When asked if the offensive would end, General Casey was defensive.
“What’s wrong with continuing this until the opening games on Thursday? I want them to live in fear. Plus, nobody knows where Bin Laden really is. He could be in Conseco Fieldhouse for all we know. Or the area where Conseco Fieldhouse used to be. We bombed it yesterday. I hate Tyler Hansbrough with a passion.”
The offensive is scheduled to end early Thursday after a napalm deposit in Evansville.
(Future posts will take place on our new site, http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/chicago-tough , we apologize for selling our soul for rock and roll. There will be a ping to that site in a couple days. Here is our first post at the new digs.)
Those three old white anglo-saxon protestant men must be rolling in their collective graves.
On June 10th, 1847, James Kelly, John E. Wheeler, and Joseph K.C. Forrest published their first edition of the Chicago Tribune. It was to be a daily periodical filled with the happenings of the newly-formed country’s second city.
The early editors of the Tribune embraced popular non-nativist and anti-Catholic sentiments. Comments in early Tribune articles denounced the city’s new settlers; primarly Italians, Irish, and Polish.
Owners from Medill to McCormick would continue to hold onto these reactionary policies for years to come. The paper held an extremely conservative base, and its circulation reflected the growing disdain towards a city infested with immigrants. It was pro-Temperance. It was very Protestant.
163 years later, a descendant of Polish and Irish Catholic immigrants is sitting at his computer; pounding the keys on a Tribune backed website. The man is extrememely coarse, vulgar, and crude. He also doesn’t view anything as sacred.
He was never pro-temperance (just ask my buddies from college). He was raised Catholic, and he is unapologetically independent in political belief.
My ancestors fought for something when they settled in Chicago. It was something they couldn’t find in Ireland or Poland; comfort. Basic, soothing, easy…comfort. They dealt with the outlash from the owners of the Tribune, and the people who supported it. The flag wavers and Know Nothings, the Whigs, and the Republicans. Through all of the unwelcomed remarks, they stayed.
They had a basic American want, and they weren’t going to let anybody take that yearning for a basic/free/comfortable life from them. It is because of them that I’m even able to sit here and type about ridiculous sporting events (or about sporting events that I’m inventing for comedic purposes).
Which brings me, finally, to this web site.
Chicago Tough is a website designed to make you laugh. It isn’t meant to be taken seriously. We will go to any lengths to make you chuckle, chortle, or straight-up puke. We don’t apologize for anything, and we certainly aren’t going to send out press releases stating the same.
Over the next months you will receive daily updates on the ridiculousness of daily sporting events. We hope to make you laugh. We hope you get slightly offended, too. What would comedy be without trying to push the envelope a little bit, eh?
We know that’s exactly what those three white anglo-saxon protestant men would’ve wanted.