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INDIANAPOLIS- In an air assault and ground attack not seen since the D-day invasion of 1944, military forces converged on NCAA offices late Sunday.
Though many in college basketball know that each team did not qualify for an at-large or automatic berth; the military wanted to send the message that they should not be taken lightly in future years.
“We have a tradition to uphold,” stated General George W Casey, Jr. “Maybe our records weren’t the best this year, but you have to understand what our forces are going through. We protect the nation in order for silly events like the NCAA Tournament to occur. If we’re defending the tournament, then why should we not receive an automatic berth?”
When asked if the military had asked the directors of the tournament this question, Casey was indignant.
“We shoot first and ask questions later. This is the NCAA Tournament we’re talking about here. Not some petty grade school basketball tournament.”
Comments made by Casey regarding ‘petty grade school basketball tournaments’ was found to be most odd considering the armed forces also destroyed Edward G Winthrop middle school in Birmingham, Alabama. That assault resulted from a coach’s decision to not play Casey’s son in the annual Birmingham Area Public Schools Petty Grade School Basketball Tournament.
“My son’s got a soft touch around the basket, almost Walton like. And the coach wouldn’t play him! And I don’t mean 1986 Walton, I’m talking 1977 Walton. Outlet pass Walton. How old are you? 29? You don’t even remember. I should shoot you for not knowing how good Walton was in 1977. Somebody get me a gun.”
The Navy couldn’t find any rivers to fit a carrier through safely. So, naval commander Adm. Patrick Walsh settled for stationing in Lake Erie.
“We’re bombing Toledo. We have no reason. We can’t reach Indiana. We’re settling for Toledo. This is where they make the majority of Jeeps. And, we hate the army, soooo…listen, we did the best we could. I have an ex-wife that lives here. So…yeah…we’re proving our point. We belong in the tournament…and we’re bombing Toledo.”
When asked if the offensive would end, General Casey was defensive.
“What’s wrong with continuing this until the opening games on Thursday? I want them to live in fear. Plus, nobody knows where Bin Laden really is. He could be in Conseco Fieldhouse for all we know. Or the area where Conseco Fieldhouse used to be. We bombed it yesterday. I hate Tyler Hansbrough with a passion.”
The offensive is scheduled to end early Thursday after a napalm deposit in Evansville.