MILWAUKEE- Members of the Milwaukee Commission on Health and Major League Baseball have confirmed that Milwaukee Brewers mascot Bernie Brewer will be sliding into a healthier drink this season.
The ale-driven mascot will be sliding into a large glass of pomegranate cranberry juice.
“We feel that the anti-oxidants will be good for Bernie and the people of Milwaukee. You can’t live off of cheese and beer and expect to be healthy,” stated health expert Gwen Maline.
Major League Baseball and Bud Selig agree.
“The fans of Milwaukee wanted Bernie Brewer sliding into his beer mug again. We wanted Bernie Brewer sliding to a dry surface; waving a flag. We feel we came to a middle ground. He’s going to go down the slide; into a glass. We just want to promote healthy choices. Choices like Welch’s new Pomegranate Cranberry Juice. Refreshing, pure, and made with 100% juice, Welch’s Pomegranate Cranberry Juice refreshes the thirstiest kids on the hottest of days. Filled with anti-oxidants, real fruit juice, and no preservatives, Welch’s Pomegranate Cranberry Juice is good for the whole family. Sorry. I got off track. Did I mention Welch’s? Good. They’re paying for the glass. The glass will have a gigantic Welch’s logo on it. Phew. Thanks. Welch’s.”
Bernie Brewer has been the mascot of the Milwaukee Brewers since 1973. Since that time, the mustachioed man has slid into a beer mug after every home run…that was until 2000, the final year the Brewers played in County Stadium.
The move to Miller Park eliminated Bernie Brewer’s sliding into a gigantic beer barrel. The move was made to prevent the advertisement of drinking towards children. The move angered many beer guzzling Milwaukeeans.
“This reminds me of when the Packers thought Bart Starr could coach,” chimed Larry Pogorzelski of South Milwaukee. “Just because somebody’s a great quarterback doesn’t mean he can coach. It also doesn’t mean Randy Wright is your future. Or Lynn Dickey. Or Jim Zorn. F&*$ those Packer teams.”
After being swerved back on track, Pogorzelski resumed, “Oh, yeah, Bernie. Well, Bernie was all we had for a while. We would pay $10 just to see him slide into that barrel. Then there would be a fight somewhere down the third base line. Then Eric Plunk would groove a fastball to the wrong guy, and we’d all go home depressed. Those were the days. But how the hell does a man sliding into a barrel promote underage drinking? You know what promotes underage drinking? Having a party in your basement on Illinois and College. Having people under 21 stopping by sometime after 9:00 pm next Saturday, offering $3 cups and $1 jello shots. Or advertising that girls could come in free. Or saying that you have six kegs of Heineken…yeah, that would be a problem. But a bearded man sliding into a barrel? Please.”
The man forgotten in the mess is the brawny cheerleader Mr. Bernie Brewer. Yet, his thoughts remain positive.
“I’m in this costume for 81 games. It gets hot in this damn thing. Now I’ve got the chance to dive into a cold glass of Welch’s Pomegranate Cranberry Juice. So refreshing. Much better than sliding into nothing. Plus, it’s healthy,” Bernie paused.
“Who the hell am I foolin’, I want my &%$kin’ beer! This isn’t San Francisco, it’s Milwaukee. Land of the free, home of the goddamned beer! Where the hell is my beer?!”
Major League Baseball refused to comment further.
2010’s edition of the Milwaukee Brewers appears to be healthier for the decision, but it won’t stop the people from protesting.