Thoughts for the Day: March 23rd, 2010…Tiger Woods, Milton Bradley, Kirstie Alley/DePaul, Ozzie Guillen, oh my!

BECAUSE YOUR MARRIAGE JUST DOESN’T MATTER

Viewing guide for Saturday, March 20th, 2010

7am Miffy and Friends, WYCC.  “Little Bunny; Miffy’s Surprise.”

Because this might be the last time you acknowledge your youngest daughter over the next 39 hours.

730 am High School Lights, Comcast Sports Net. 

Nothing better than starting your day to Sarah Kustok blankly staring awkwardly into a camera seven times over a thirty minute span.

800 am College Game Day Scoreboard, ESPN 2.

Because you passed out during the Maryland/Houston game while your wife kept on hounding you about these ridiculous recipes in her ‘Real Simple’ magazine.

This should help you catch up…and you can play that early morning drinking game where you drink every time Digger Phelps points his highlighter at somebody else in the studio.

900 am Holmes on Homes, HGTV.

Nails, lumber, power tools, inspections.  One hour of meatball before the morning rush.  Plus, watching somebody do something productive may give you some satisfaction…considering you’ve spent the whole morning with your head buried in Fruity Pebbles, and you’ve accidentally nuked a granola bar, AND you stole your kids’ legos to build a fortress for your Boba Fett action figure.

1000 am Extreme Machines, SCI

Construction equipments, machinery, and safety tips for operating the machinery.  You might need this when you actually get a job.

1100 am I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, DISC

Nothing unites a husband and wife quite like an hour of berating delusional women.

1200 pm – 9 pm NCAA Tournament, CBS

Lunch shall consist of Ritz, sausage, cheese, and the occasional Old Style.  Anybody who brings in other foods must make sure that the foods contain a) meat b) cheese.  Carrots are for sissies.

800 pm – 9 pm “Toggle Viewing” Blackhawks at Coyotes, Comcast Sports Net.

Make sure you bring this game up to your wife and children the night before.  You might get the ‘are you f’n serious, another f’n sporting event?!’ remark.  We wouldn’t want that.

Unfortunately, your wife will say it no matter what.

9 pm – 10 pm

Just Blackhawks, no toggle.

10 pm – 11 pm

Pacquiao/Clottey re-run, HBO.  Blackhawks, Comcast Sports Net.

Because if your wife hasn’t killed you by now, she never will.

11pm

Time to make amends with the wife…she deserves it. 

SUNDAY MARCH 21ST, 2010

If you woke up on Sunday, and you didn’t find yourself with your wife straddling you like Lorraine Brasco in Goodfellas, then you’ve made it.  Congratulations, it’s Sunday.  And you’re still not divorced.  Yet.

830 am The Sports Reporters, ESPN.

It’s like Meet the Press…only it’s for sports fans.  And you won’t get the annoying health care bill talk.  Win Win.

900 am Goodfellas, AMC.

Obviously you won’t want to watch this if you found yourself in the situation above.  So, maybe Pesci’s ’You think I’m funny?’ sequence isn’t as riveting without the coarse language…However, no dubs are needed when Ray Liotta nearly pistol whips a man to death in the man’s own driveway.  Nothing like eggs, toast, and mob hits at 9 in the morning!

12 pm – 2 pm “Toggle Viewing” Rangers/Bruins, NBC.  NCAA Tournament, CBS.

The tournament is your best friend.  However, Rangers/Bruins always satisfies your inner meatball.  Without question, the fists will be flyin.  Avery of the Rangers, Chara of the Bruins.  Make sure you’re going back and forth…or make sure you got that DVR workin’ right.  You don’t wanna miss any hits.  Nor do you want to miss Mike Milbury’s horrendous combover.

2 pm – 3 pm “Toggle Viewing” Half-Ton Mom, Discovery.  NCAA Tournament, CBS.

So, your wife is one of those that likes the shows about overweight people.  Well, this show is one of the better specials.  How do they get her into that small ambulance?  You have to watch the show.  Plus, your wife stole the remote.

3 pm – 4 pm JONAS, Disney.  No toggle.

Face it.  You haven’t spoken to your 9 year-old daughter Wendy since you told her to mow the lawn yesterday.  Yep.  You are one horrible father.  The least you can do is sit down with her to watch an hour of her favorite boys.  Plus, you notice the 3:30 episode features the Jonas brothers dealing with their parent’s leaving for the weekend. 

It’s Disney.  No alcohol or drugs will take place over the weekend.  Good role models for the little girl.  Plus, she’ll love you for the rest of the evening.

4 pm – 4:05 pm Moesha, The U.

You ‘accidentally’ turned on Moesha.  (You’ve seen this one, Moesha gets dumped and finds the boy of her dreams ‘Derrick’.  You hate that guy.  Don’t tell anybody you’ve seen almost every episode of Moesha.)

405 pm – 6 pm Detroit Red Wings at Vancouver Canucks, NHL Network.  NCAA Tournament, CBS.

I know, it’s a rerun from the night before.  But you haven’t yelled ‘Detroit Sucks’ at your TV in two weeks.  Better get that out of the way before you go back to the tourney.

5 pm NCAA Tournament, CBS.

Last hour for the weekend.  Stay strong.  You’re Chicago Tough, you can make it.

6 pm World Extreme Cage Fighting, VS.

World Extreme Cage Fighting.  Or as you call it in your house, ‘Sunday Dinner’.

7 pm The Simpsons

A family activity.

730 pm Big Ten’s Best Quarterbacks of the 1980′s, Big Ten Network.

Bore your wife to death about that story when you won $300 on Iowa/Ohio State in 1986 after Chuck Long’s pass to Marv Cook.  It’ll be a good way to get her upstairs, and far, far away from the TV.

800 pm Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, FX.

That John C. Reilly sure is funny.  A solid nightcap to a great weekend.

1000 pm…Now you can shower.  Go to bed.  You’ll need an entire weekend of reconciliation with your wife and family.  You earned it.

LOS ANGELES- Former Chicago Cubs manager Lee Elia is suffering from a case of Cubilitis Dementiatis.  Most folks suffering from Cubilitis Dementiaitis have warning symptoms.  However, for most former Cubs managers, it’s viewed as a right of passage.

Elia is the 13th Cubs manager to suffer from the disease.  And in his sad pain, he’s still slamming Cubs fans…and he’s still doing it with fuzzy math.

27 years after Elia’s famous tirade, the former Cubs skipper told a Los Angeles Times reporter that he still thinks the city’s unemployment rate is so high because of day baseball.

“The other 85% is out workin’.  And the other 15%?  Well, they go to day baseball.”

When Elia was informed by the reporter that the Cubs don’t play 81 games of day baseball anymore, the field manager was indignant.

“No, they’re out there because they’re the real Chicago fans.  They sit in the sun, drinkin booze, complainin’ about Mel Hall’s slow development.  Usually we have some jerk throwin’ stuff at Rainbow (Trout), it’s just a playground for the-”

Cutoff by the reporter; Elia was told his facts weren’t just wrong…they were from a different era.

“Dont’ cut me off, young man!  I’m telling you there’s more to this story than the record says!  This is a really, reallly good story.  Now my records might say one thing, and your’s might say another.  But that doesn’t change the makeup of my story.  15% of Chicago could be helping out the economy.  People wanna blame Reagan?  It’s not his fault.  People wanna blame that sweet faced Jane Byrne?  Whatever!  That city there has folks lightin up poor guys like Jay Johnstone.  So, the SOB can’t hit a curveball?  So what!  He loves his wife.  He’s got great kids.  If you wanna get on somebody, get on the manager.  Me.  If you’re gonna rip somebody, rip me.  Don’t be one of those nickle dime fans that come to the ballpark every day. You wanna boo?  And you’re the real Chicago fans?  My f-”

When interrupted again, the reporter informed Elia that players like Johnstone, Trout, and Hall were long gone.  Bleacher tickets cost $60 for night games…and Ronald Reagan was no longer president.

“Listen, I know what the situation is in Chicago.  Those fans don’t work because of severe depression.  They got phillie-itis…some are stuck with that stigma of the Cardinals and Dodgers.  It’s ugly.  But they’ll turn it around.  The city just needs to get those people to work.  Maybe that new black guy (Harold Washington) can get some programs up.  Can you tell Dallas (Green) that I need some popcorn?  I’m light-headed.”

Elia isn’t the first Cubs manager to go mad in his ladder days.  The first Cubs manager to go mad was Frank Chance.  Chance’s final days saw him stand outside the bleacher entrance mumbling about fire hoses and John McGraw.

Charlie Grimm spent his final years his yelling at his wife about how the refrigerator magnets were just inaccuracies on the manual scoreboard. 

Most notably were the final years of Leo Durocher’s life.  Durocher spent his final years randomly berating his dog ‘Margie’ about dropping two fly balls in Shea Stadium during the 1969 pennant race.

Elia has been left in the same delusional state that most Cubs managers find themselves…His final words were that of exhaustion, and left many wondering how much time he might have left.

“I don’t know how much longer I can take this.  We’ve got 143 games left.  The changes in my life have been multifold…I just hope that the changes can occur in Chicago…too much day baseball…too much losing…stigma…you can take that downtown and print it…rip me…143 games left…fire me Dallas…I’m losin’ it…it’s a tough National League East…it’s a rough life…it’s a tough life, period.”

“The man was skatin’ into the boards.  His back was to the boards.  This guy comes from behind him and pushes him into the boards.  This isn’t Rollerball.  I never saw that movie, but I’d presume the sport would allow such things such as pushing somebody from behind into a board.  I just know it featured Chris Klein.  There was a ball involved.  And some rollers.  Anywho, this Ruskie that came up from behind needs to be taught a lesson.  I say you bring up some goon and settle this like the old days.  Next time we play Washington…if it’s next year, or in the playoffs, or if it’s in some pre-season game, we’re goin’ after #8!”

Nuttin' bedder to do den call.

After Tommy’s passionate plea for justice, Joe from Glen Ellyn piped in about the pending justice.

“People need to calm down.  He got suspended two games.  Campbell was off-balance.  Ovechkin just gave him a shove.  A tiny shove.  But he’s so strong that Campbell flew into the boards and happened to injure himself.  It’s like my wife.  The other day I gently pushed her down the stairs.  Just a gentle push.  Yeah, her back was to me.  No, there weren’t any boards.  Just a flight of stairs.  Followed by concrete.  Extremely hard, punishing concrete.  Concrete that lets a woman know that she shouldn’t drink the last Pepsi.  I worked hard for that Pepsi.”

INDIANAPOLIS- In an air assault and ground attack not seen since the D-day invasion of 1944, military forces converged on NCAA offices late Sunday.

Though many in college basketball know that each team did not qualify for an at-large or automatic berth; the military wanted to send the message that they should not be taken lightly in future years.

“We have a tradition to uphold,” stated General George W Casey, Jr.  “Maybe our records weren’t the best this year, but you have to understand what our forces are going through.  We protect the nation in order for silly events like the NCAA Tournament to occur.  If we’re defending the tournament, then why should we not receive an automatic berth?”

When asked if the military had asked the directors of the tournament this question, Casey was indignant.

“We shoot first and ask questions later.  This is the NCAA Tournament we’re talking about here.  Not some petty grade school basketball tournament.”

Comments made by Casey regarding ‘petty grade school basketball tournaments’ was found to be most odd considering the armed forces also destroyed Edward G Winthrop middle school in Birmingham, Alabama.  That assault resulted from a coach’s decision to not play Casey’s son in the annual Birmingham Area Public Schools Petty Grade School Basketball Tournament.

“My son’s got a soft touch around the basket, almost Walton like.  And the coach wouldn’t play him!  And I don’t mean 1986 Walton, I’m talking 1977 Walton.  Outlet pass Walton.  How old are you?  29?  You don’t even remember.  I should shoot you for not knowing how good Walton was in 1977.  Somebody get me a gun.”

The Navy couldn’t find any rivers to fit a carrier through safely.  So, naval commander Adm. Patrick Walsh settled for stationing in Lake Erie.

“We’re bombing Toledo.  We have no reason.  We can’t reach Indiana.  We’re settling for Toledo.  This is where they make the majority of Jeeps.  And, we hate the army, soooo…listen, we did the best we could.  I have an ex-wife that lives here.  So…yeah…we’re proving our point.  We belong in the tournament…and we’re bombing Toledo.”

When asked if the offensive would end, General Casey was defensive.

“What’s wrong with continuing this until the opening games on Thursday?  I want them to live in fear.  Plus, nobody knows where Bin Laden really is.  He could be in Conseco Fieldhouse for all we know.  Or the area where Conseco Fieldhouse used to be.  We bombed it yesterday.  I hate Tyler Hansbrough with a passion.”

The offensive is scheduled to end early Thursday after a napalm deposit in Evansville. 

Those three old white anglo-saxon protestant men must be rolling in their collective graves.

On June 10th, 1847, James Kelly, John E. Wheeler, and Joseph K.C. Forrest published their first edition of the Chicago Tribune.  It was to be a daily periodical filled with the happenings of the newly-formed country’s second city.

Hello. I'm white. I own people. Please don't tell me you are a Catholic immigrant.

The early editors of the Tribune embraced popular non-nativist and anti-Catholic sentiments.  Comments in early Tribune articles denounced the city’s new settlers; primarly Italians, Irish, and Polish.

Owners from Medill to McCormick would continue to hold onto these reactionary policies for years to come.  The paper held an extremely conservative base, and its circulation reflected the growing disdain towards a city infested with immigrants.  It was pro-Temperance.  It was very Protestant.

163 years later, a descendant of Polish and Irish Catholic immigrants is sitting at his computer; pounding the keys on a Tribune backed website.  The man is extrememely coarse, vulgar, and crude.  He also doesn’t view anything as sacred.

He was never pro-temperance (just ask my buddies from college).  He was raised Catholic, and he is unapologetically independent in political belief.

My ancestors fought for something when they settled in Chicago.  It was something they couldn’t find in Ireland or Poland; comfort.  Basic, soothing, easy…comfort.  They dealt with the outlash from the owners of the Tribune, and the people who supported it.  The flag wavers and  Know Nothings, the Whigs, and the Republicans.  Through all of the unwelcomed remarks, they stayed. 

They had a basic American want, and they weren’t going to let anybody take that yearning for a basic/free/comfortable life from them.  It is because of them that I’m even able to sit here and type about ridiculous sporting events (or about sporting events that I’m inventing for comedic purposes).

Which brings me, finally, to this web site.

Chicago Tough is a website designed to make you laugh.  It isn’t meant to be taken seriously.  We will go to any lengths to make you chuckle, chortle, or straight-up puke.  We don’t apologize for anything, and we certainly aren’t going to send out press releases stating the same.

Over the next months you will receive daily updates on the ridiculousness of daily sporting events.  We hope to make you laugh.  We hope you get slightly offended, too.  What would comedy be without trying to push the envelope a little bit, eh?

We know that’s exactly what those three white anglo-saxon protestant men would’ve wanted.

CHAMPAIGN- Losing Illinois head coach Bruce Weber tried to console himself after his team’s disastrous late-game ball handling against Ohio State. 

Weber is consoled after letting time run out on his popcorn.

Twice the Illini let the clock run down before being able to put up a good shot; once before the end of regulation, and one before the end of the first overtime.

After the game, a depressed Weber tried to console himself with microwave popcorn.  Unfortunately, Weber stared in the distance while it was obvious the final kernel had popped.  The batch had gone to waste.  Even Megan Weber, Bruce’s wife, knew it might be the end.

“Well, third time’s a charm, buck.  Why don’t you take the rest of the night off.”

Weber was sleeping at time of publication.

CHICAGO CUBS BEAT WRITERS FINALLY NOTIFIED THAT MILTON BRADLEY DOESN’T PLAY FOR THE CHICAGO CUBS

MESA- In a startling announcement to scribes of the Chicago Cubs’ daily developments, the Cubs announced that Milton Bradley is no longer with the Chicago National League Ballclub.

“I’m not just shocked, I’m kind of disheveled,” stated Milton Bradley’s #1 assassin and Chicago Tribune writer Paul Sullivan.  “What am I supposed to do?  Write about the Cubs?”

Sun-Times wordsmith Gordon Wittenmeyer echoed Sullivan’s sentiments. 

“Yeah, people want to hear about Caridad moving into the setup role.  Yeah, right.  Whatever.  Ooh!  I know!  I’ll right about how there isn’t a real place for Micah Hoffpauir on this team!  Whatever.  I’m screwed.”

Milton Bradley’s time with the Cubs was one year.  He is survived by Barry Rozner, Phil Rogers, Gordon Wittenmeyer, and Paul Sullivan.

LOUISVILLE- In a spirited pep talk, University of Louisville head coach Rick Pitino expounded on how his Cardinals would dispose of opponents in the NCAA Tournament.

“Guys, we’re not going to be intimidated anymore.  The first opponent we get in the tournament, we’re gonna send them a message…we’re going to lull them into a room, help them with their personal needs, promise to help out in any feasible way, then we’re going to take them behind the restaurant and slam them on top of a table.”

Pitino gets emotional describing how his sexual escapades can be recreated during the NCAA Tournament

Some Cardinals players tried to stop Pitino, but the elder coach continued.

“…And that won’t be enough.  If they peep even one bit, we’re gonna pay for an abortion.  Because that’s what Louisville teams do!  You think Darrell Griffith and Pervis Ellison won national titles because they cowered in fear?  No!  They were willing to pay for abortions for women that they accidentally slept with.”

Louisville’s opponent in the NCAA Tournament has not yet been announced.

TORII HUNTER CLAIMS DUTCH BORN PITCHERS AREN’T REALLY WHITE

ARIZONA- Anaheim Angels outfielder Torii Hunter tried to defend his comments about black Hispanics not being real blacks.

Today, he changed the conversation to white players to prove his point…a point that felt hopelessly wrong.

Circle it right here: Blyleven isn't white!

“What I meant to say was, is that they aren’t black in the same manner…as…let’s say…I don’t know…Bert Blyleven.  It’s obvious that Bert Blyleven can’t be counted as white.  He was born in the Netherlands.  He’s got one of those Dutch beards.  I heard the man once wore wooden shoes.  That ain’t white.  That ain’t white at all.”

Even as teammates tried to pry him away from cameras, Hunter continued.

“Blyleven faces discrimination every day for his heritage.  People tryin’ to tell him to show up clean shavin’ places.  I feel for the man…I really do.”

DEPAUL PROFESSOR TRIES TO CONVINCE STUDENTS THAT GLOBAL WARMING IS REAL/DEPAUL WAS A TOP 5 PROGRAM

CHICAGO- DePaul University professor Samuel Edinburgh spoke to a gathering of students to promote his book, “Global Warming: The Truth”.  The speaking engagement was meant to debunk recent comments regarding the falsehoods of climate change. 

“If you are interested in really applying yourself to the study and research of climate change, be ready to deal with the challenges of debunking your theories.  It is not debateable that the earth has gotten warmer by 1.8 degrees farenheit over the past 80 years.  Slow changes aren’t just evident in global climate change, but also in the slow changes of DePaul’s athletic program.  As a student at DePaul, we were a top 5 team every year.  Starting with Corzine’s senior year and ending with that terrible loss to Boston College in 1982.  Now, we’re garbage.  A laughing-stock.  I might kidnap Steve Lavin myself.  Dear Jesus, what were we talking about.  Oh, yes.  Mark Agguire’s baseline jumper, I mean, no…yes, the urban heat island effect.  Sorry.”

LOS ANGELES- Former Los Angeles Rams defensive lineman and NBC colour commentator Merlin Olsen passed away early Thursday.

Your flowers arrived, Merlin...your flowers arrived.

Olsen was best known for his work on LA’s famed ‘Fearsome Foursome’. 

In his latter years, Olsen was a shill for FTD.  In an ironic twist, Olsen’s flowers arrived at his own funeral via next day delivery.  FTD’s national selling point of next day delivery was primarily sold by Olsen to millions of Americans in the floral company’s commercials.

Olsen was 69.

JESUS UNABLE TO TAKE WONDERLIC TEST FOR TEBOW

Reports from NFL scouts show that former Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow scored low on

Tebow only had time to save the lambs, not study for the wonderlic.

 the wonderlic exam.  The devout Christian was stunned upon hearing the news.  Tebow had spent the majority of the morning summoning Jesus for help.  Tebow even e-mailed his savior to make sure his request would be heard.

“Dear Jesus, it’s me again.  I healed lepers in southeast Asia.  I once baptized an alligator.  Certainly my lord and savior Jesus Christ wouldn’t let me down.”

Jesus Christ, now 2,010 years old was startled by the request.  The Lord and savior sent an e-mail to Tim denying his request.

“I’m kind of busy doing a couple things these days.  I’m administering to the poor in Haiti.  I’m currently giving hope to the poor in Chile.  Outside of that, sure, I have the time.  Let me just come down from the heavens so I can help out you and your egotistic self-aggrandizing jagoff of a father who proselytized about things that I never said.  Do you realize that the chapters of the bible were written at least three generations after the apostles died?  Do you get this?  Seriously, do you get this?  Have fun on the wonderlic test.  Love, Jesus.  (p.s. I was married and had children.) 

BROWNS FIGURE IT CAN’T GET MUCH WORSE, INTERVIEW DELHOMME

CLEVELAND- Former Carolina Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme spent Thursday interviewing with Cleveland Browns brass about the open signal-calling position.

Tom Heckert, Jr. (the teams new GM) spent most of Wednesday putting together the Browns’ 2009 highlight film.

“It’s literally five minutes long.  It’s all Joshua Cribbs.  And fat Cleveland women taking their tops off.  That’s all we have.  Five minutes.  Boobs and Cribbs.  So…why not?  Can’t get much worse.”

OTHER NEWS: JIMMY COLLINS STILL EXTREMELY HIGH, SOX FANS TO DECIDE BETWEEN OPENING DAY; MONDAY NIGHT RAW, ANDRUW JONES 25 LBS LIGHTER/STILL A JERK