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BECAUSE YOUR MARRIAGE JUST DOESN’T MATTER
Viewing guide for Saturday, March 20th, 2010
7am Miffy and Friends, WYCC. “Little Bunny; Miffy’s Surprise.”
Because this might be the last time you acknowledge your youngest daughter over the next 39 hours.
730 am High School Lights, Comcast Sports Net.
Nothing better than starting your day to Sarah Kustok blankly staring awkwardly into a camera seven times over a thirty minute span.
800 am College Game Day Scoreboard, ESPN 2.
Because you passed out during the Maryland/Houston game while your wife kept on hounding you about these ridiculous recipes in her ‘Real Simple’ magazine.
This should help you catch up…and you can play that early morning drinking game where you drink every time Digger Phelps points his highlighter at somebody else in the studio.
900 am Holmes on Homes, HGTV.
Nails, lumber, power tools, inspections. One hour of meatball before the morning rush. Plus, watching somebody do something productive may give you some satisfaction…considering you’ve spent the whole morning with your head buried in Fruity Pebbles, and you’ve accidentally nuked a granola bar, AND you stole your kids’ legos to build a fortress for your Boba Fett action figure.
1000 am Extreme Machines, SCI
Construction equipments, machinery, and safety tips for operating the machinery. You might need this when you actually get a job.
1100 am I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, DISC
Nothing unites a husband and wife quite like an hour of berating delusional women.
1200 pm – 9 pm NCAA Tournament, CBS
Lunch shall consist of Ritz, sausage, cheese, and the occasional Old Style. Anybody who brings in other foods must make sure that the foods contain a) meat b) cheese. Carrots are for sissies.
800 pm – 9 pm “Toggle Viewing” Blackhawks at Coyotes, Comcast Sports Net.
Make sure you bring this game up to your wife and children the night before. You might get the ‘are you f’n serious, another f’n sporting event?!’ remark. We wouldn’t want that.
Unfortunately, your wife will say it no matter what.
9 pm – 10 pm
Just Blackhawks, no toggle.
10 pm – 11 pm
Pacquiao/Clottey re-run, HBO. Blackhawks, Comcast Sports Net.
Because if your wife hasn’t killed you by now, she never will.
Time to make amends with the wife…she deserves it.
SUNDAY MARCH 21ST, 2010
If you woke up on Sunday, and you didn’t find yourself with your wife straddling you like Lorraine Brasco in Goodfellas, then you’ve made it. Congratulations, it’s Sunday. And you’re still not divorced. Yet.
830 am The Sports Reporters, ESPN.
It’s like Meet the Press…only it’s for sports fans. And you won’t get the annoying health care bill talk. Win Win.
900 am Goodfellas, AMC.
Obviously you won’t want to watch this if you found yourself in the situation above. So, maybe Pesci’s ’You think I’m funny?’ sequence isn’t as riveting without the coarse language…However, no dubs are needed when Ray Liotta nearly pistol whips a man to death in the man’s own driveway. Nothing like eggs, toast, and mob hits at 9 in the morning!
12 pm – 2 pm “Toggle Viewing” Rangers/Bruins, NBC. NCAA Tournament, CBS.
The tournament is your best friend. However, Rangers/Bruins always satisfies your inner meatball. Without question, the fists will be flyin. Avery of the Rangers, Chara of the Bruins. Make sure you’re going back and forth…or make sure you got that DVR workin’ right. You don’t wanna miss any hits. Nor do you want to miss Mike Milbury’s horrendous combover.
2 pm – 3 pm “Toggle Viewing” Half-Ton Mom, Discovery. NCAA Tournament, CBS.
So, your wife is one of those that likes the shows about overweight people. Well, this show is one of the better specials. How do they get her into that small ambulance? You have to watch the show. Plus, your wife stole the remote.
3 pm – 4 pm JONAS, Disney. No toggle.
Face it. You haven’t spoken to your 9 year-old daughter Wendy since you told her to mow the lawn yesterday. Yep. You are one horrible father. The least you can do is sit down with her to watch an hour of her favorite boys. Plus, you notice the 3:30 episode features the Jonas brothers dealing with their parent’s leaving for the weekend.
It’s Disney. No alcohol or drugs will take place over the weekend. Good role models for the little girl. Plus, she’ll love you for the rest of the evening.
4 pm – 4:05 pm Moesha, The U.
You ‘accidentally’ turned on Moesha. (You’ve seen this one, Moesha gets dumped and finds the boy of her dreams ‘Derrick’. You hate that guy. Don’t tell anybody you’ve seen almost every episode of Moesha.)
405 pm – 6 pm Detroit Red Wings at Vancouver Canucks, NHL Network. NCAA Tournament, CBS.
I know, it’s a rerun from the night before. But you haven’t yelled ‘Detroit Sucks’ at your TV in two weeks. Better get that out of the way before you go back to the tourney.
5 pm NCAA Tournament, CBS.
Last hour for the weekend. Stay strong. You’re Chicago Tough, you can make it.
6 pm World Extreme Cage Fighting, VS.
World Extreme Cage Fighting. Or as you call it in your house, ‘Sunday Dinner’.
7 pm The Simpsons
A family activity.
730 pm Big Ten’s Best Quarterbacks of the 1980′s, Big Ten Network.
Bore your wife to death about that story when you won $300 on Iowa/Ohio State in 1986 after Chuck Long’s pass to Marv Cook. It’ll be a good way to get her upstairs, and far, far away from the TV.
800 pm Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, FX.
That John C. Reilly sure is funny. A solid nightcap to a great weekend.
1000 pm…Now you can shower. Go to bed. You’ll need an entire weekend of reconciliation with your wife and family. You earned it.